My partner and I just celebrated 18 years of marriage. It made us pause and reflect. What were we celebrating? Was it really “marriage” we were celebrating? No, we were celebrating US and how long we have known and loved each other. We met 21 years ago, as babies, right before graduating from college.
For me, marriage does not equal love and love does not equal marriage. If I am being honest, the institution of marriage does not always resonate with me. I happened to marry a pretty amazing man who has evolved with me over time as a deeply committed partner in life. We were so young when we met we honestly feel pretty damn lucky this has been our trajectory.
I do not believe a union has to be a legal contract to be valid or worthy of celebration. In fact, why does the court have a hand in this at all? I realize there are all sorts of financial and technical reasons but they are so off putting when it comes to what love is really all about. Some of the most loving partnerships I witness are not legally bound while some of the marriages I know are the most unloving and unfulfilling couplings I’ve encountered. Why does there have to be so much labeling and legal meddling for it to be deemed celebratory?
Some people pride themselves on how long they’ve been married. I’ve realized this is not the only benchmark that has resonance with me. Whether you’ve been together for five years or fifty years, the questions I wonder about have more to do with fulfillment rather than hitting milestone years.
Are you happy?
Are you fulfilled?
Are you growing?
Are you supported?
Are you turned on?
Do you feel held in a hammock of comfort while also being encouraged out of your comfort zone?
Are you both committed to your own personal growth work?
Do you still have autonomy? What does this look and feel like for you?
Are you a team, both pulling weight (if physically & mentally able)?
Love is work. Choose wisely who you want to do this work with. Who is worthy of the love your open heart is ready to give? Do you want to celebrate longevity together or truly fulfilled years together? Perhaps both.
xx,
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